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Waking Up- An excerpt from my journal before launching my business

This past year has been intense.
 
I started confronting old mindsets and putting real action behind my dreams…going 150 mph.  It’s been non-stop.  Now I do what lights me up!
 
Just a year ago though, I was still stuck…feeling like I had a boxing glove on one hand and a pickaxe in the other,  punching and digging my way through a rock wall.  Realizing I was hammering the wrong freaking wall with only half the tools I need was a solid wake up call.
 
 
 

I call bullshit

 
In the next few weeks, Marie Forleo’s B School 2018 is coming to an end.  The course has stretched me to max capacity, for sure.  Feeling a bit nostalgic, I looked back in my journal and found the day I called bullshit on myself and started making real changes in my life.  I wrote it as a blog post and was going to load it last year…and then totally chickened out.
 
Wanna read it?
————————
 
Journal Entry May 17, 2017
 
For the millionth time, I signed up for some webinar that will help me find my passion/happiness/dreams/goals/e-book idea/blah blah blah blah.
 
 
Why do I do this?  Why do I sign up?  What the hell am I looking for that’s not already inside me or in front of my freaking face?!
 
 
For the past few years, I’ve been listening to podcasts and following certain people on facebook who seem to have it all.  They speak truth with humility and candor…they’re wildly successful…and seem to hold the key to a life I want to live.  These podcasts are business based and life-improvement based…which is great…but the reality is that even after following these amazing people for a few years, my life is pretty much the same.
 
 
Shit.
 
 
Reality check.
 
 
Ugh….
 
I’m turning 39 this summer and I look back on my life in disbelief…time is bizarre…I wont waste yours by blabbering for the MILLIONTH TIME that it flies or whatever.  We’re all pissed that it’s too fast, too slow, too whatever…
 
 
 

There It Is.  I said it. 

 

I just feel sad that most of my life has been a fight against myself.  There.  I said it.
 
Fighting for fruitless relationships and meaningless crap.  Fighting to keep jobs that make me insecure.  Fighting my weaknesses (like learning about data science- wtf! I hate math!).  Fight, fight, fight. Oh and I need to fight wrinkles and figure out Face Yoga while I’m at it??
 
 
I don’t want to fight anymore.  Especially not myself.  I’m tired.
 
 
One of my most favorite movie quotes from Almost Famous kind of sums things up:
 
Lester Bangs: So, you’re the one who’s been sending me those articles from your school newspaper.
William Miller: I’ve been doing some stuff for a local underground paper, too.
Lester Bangs: What, are you like the star of your school?
William Miller: They hate me.
Lester Bangs: You’ll meet them all again on their long journey to the middle.
 
The long journey to the middle.
 
I’ve made it to the middle.  I see a lot of my old friends here in the middle too…but most of us are still fighting to do things and be things that will levitate us above our peers.
 
 

I call bullshit…on myself.

 
Was it arrogance or naivete or entitlement (all three??) that made me think I would have a certain kind of house/lifestyle/job/car?
 
Not only that, but that these things would make me happy?
 
Whatever it was, it’s led me here.
 
With everyone else- wondering what the hell happened.  So…maybe its time to stop pushing for a lifestyle or this random picture of my future fabulous self.  I think I’ve been asking all the wrong questions.
 
I’m ready to dramatically shift my life, but first, let’s press pause and take a look around.
 
Wanna join me for a toast in celebrating our long journey to the middle? The champagne might just be sparkling wine on sale from the grocery store, but….f*$@ it….it tastes good.
 
————————
 
And so that’s exactly what I did.  I paused, looked around, enjoyed myself, drank too much, ate too much, asked questions of myself that finally meant something…
 

Now, here I am. For the first time in my life, I’m doing something I love and feeling so grateful I could burst!

 

My life may not be Instagram-worthy for the masses, but it’s Insta-worthy to me and that’s the best place to start.

 

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